Life Update: We're Having A Baby!

My 30 week bump pic. We take them every two weeks :)

I’m over the moon excited to announce that Ryan and I are expecting a baby December 13th. I’m officially 32 weeks, and it’s the most amazing feeling.

The last eight months have been filled with so much joy, but have also been extremely challenging. As some of you may know, we lost our son last year at 22 weeks through a series of traumatic complications. This entire pregnancy has been the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. It’s an answered prayer that everything has gone well this time. However, in my mind, pregnancy is still scary - terrifying actually. I’m even afraid of being afraid, that it will impact the baby somehow.

Every new symptom or doctors appointment can send me spiraling. I’ve been an emotional roller coaster. I cry all the time. While I’ve had many moments of great joy this year, everything has a shadow over it. It’s a reserved kind of joy. I’ve been seeing a therapist since last year to work through my complicated emotions. This year has been especially tough on my relationships, because I’ve been terrified of getting sick. While it may not sound rational, I’m scared that even a common cold could further complicate things. I had a bad case of Covid early in the last pregnancy, and I’ll always wonder if it had something to do with what happened. Probably not, but it’s hard not to analyze every little thing and wonder what went wrong.

I’ve been left wanting to do everything opposite this time. I switched doctors, because my old office brings back bad memories. We found out the gender early on last time, and this time we’ve decided to be surprised. I waited to buy baby things last time. This time, I started buying early. Doing things differently this year has helped me separate the two pregnancies in my mind. It’s brought me some comfort, even if it sounds silly.

Ryan putting together baby’s high chair and swing

Other things that have helped me get through this pregnancy are distractions. I’ve thrown myself into work, reading, TV shows, and house projects. I’ve even turned into a bit of a gamer, playing Nintendo Switch on a regular basis. It’s a great escape. I’ve told myself it doesn’t matter what I accomplish this year, I just need to get through it. Wasting time has become my specialty. When I’m quiet and without distractions, that’s when the fear and anxiety creep in. Another thing that’s helped me is babying myself, something my therapist encouraged me to do. I know barely leaving my house doesn’t make any sense, but that’s what I needed to do this year. I’ve given myself permission to follow my instincts, no matter how ridiculous they seem. Even if no one else can understand where I’m coming from. Now is not the time to push myself into situations that make me uncomfortable. Not when I’m already struggling so much.

Leaning on family has helped a lot too. I try to talk candidly about what I’m going through when I’m having a hard time. And Ryan has been amazing. I’ve been super attached to him this entire pregnancy, to the point of being clingy. We already love spending time together, but this is on a whole new level. For a while, I had anxiety about going anywhere without him. It’s embarrassing, but that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve told myself it’s all okay. I leaned on him so much when things went south last year, it makes sense that he’d bring me comfort. Lastly, meditation has helped. I realized I get more anxious in the evenings, so I do a guided meditation at the end of the workday before dinner. It sets me up for a more restful night. I’m careful about the type of content I consume at night too. Reading stressful books or watching stressful shows only makes my anxiety worse. Because of this, I’ve gotten really into beach reads and cooking shows.

Amidst the fear and sadness, this second pregnancy has brought me so much peace. I feel like we’ve gotten a second chance. I’ve realized how much strength I have, even though I can’t always feel it. With the help of my loved ones, I picked myself up after the most awful thing happened to me. I gave it another go, even when I wanted to give up. It’s taught me a kind of bravery I’ve never known. That’s how I want to do the rest of my life. And I love this baby more than I ever thought possible. Knowing how easily things can be taken away gives me such an appreciation for what we have. I’d like to think I’ll be a better parent because of all I’ve been through, never taking a moment for granted.

I was seeing a high risk doctor through 24 weeks, and now I’m seeing a regular OB. Once fall set in last month, and we hit the 28 week mark, I was finally able to exhale a bit. I’m still incredibly nervous, but trying to soak up the joy of this special time too. I’m hoping I can relax even more these next few months, as we get closer to our due date. We just finished the nursery and I’ve started reading baby books too. We’re even finalizing our name list, so that’s all building excitement. I can slowly feel myself looking more towards the future, and less towards the past.

There’s a special place in my heart for anyone struggling with pregnancy loss or infertility. If that’s you, you’re not alone. While the world makes pregnancy look easy, it’s not like that for many people. It can be a time of great sadness, fear, and loss. When I talked about losing our son online, so many people came forward and shared their heartbreaking stories of loss with me. These are people you’d never guess had been through anything. For some reason, we like to keep these stories to ourselves. Sadly, they’re incredibly common.

My journey to motherhood has been nothing like I envisioned. I never thought, at 36 years old, this would be my story. But that’s life. Losing our son made me less concerned with timelines and comparing myself to others, and more concerned with living my own story. All I want is a healthy baby. And I’ve realized, through confiding in others, that no one’s life goes according to plan. We all have areas of our lives that feel easy and areas that feel hard. Usually the things that feel hard are things we never thought we’d struggle with. Realizing this has helped me have more compassion for others who might be having a tough time. It’s important to own our stories and realize we’re all on a different path. No path is completely smooth and no two paths look the same.